Friday, June 9, 2017

Opportunity Costs

_ "For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”-true story!
That was a post I wrote 7 years ago this day on Facebook (thank you Facebook memories), and as obvious as that is, it hit me hard not knowing that was life, and opportunity cost. One of my biggest random frustrations is when I have a dream with a random opportunity that I don't take because I don't know I am dreaming and my natural coward-est traits act. I wake up wondering, what would have happened? Then I think, how many decisions I could have taken and how my life would have ended up differently.

It's a gamble. And a wake-up call to take certain risks. I think a lot of us aren't happy with the way our lives are, and for those who are happy, know how blessed you are.
Life is a roller coaster, as cliche as that may be. I am at a lower point on my roller coaster now. After reaching the highest point I think it will be (great job and money) I still gave up time spent with family and friends. I still wonder though if I am ever going to reach that high again.
It seems as if high school was yesterday, but thanks to Facebook I realize it was 6 years ago that I was graduating. I was a completely different person then, than I am today, but hoping I would be somewhere better.

Terrible transition, but I started dating someone I really like. And with all the chaos my life has in it right now he ended up meeting my daughter earlier than planned while saving us in a bad situation.
It's been a year since me and my daughters dad have separated, but time hasn't made it easier on me or my daughter.

But let me tell you about this guy real quick;
He's almost everything I ever wanted.... so far. And it's normal....strangely normal, no red flags, no "let's start a family" after 3 months....or wear more make-up, dress like this... It feels really good. But even though my daughters dad has dated seriously around her and she was okay with it, I apparently am a different story. I start dating and all hell broke loose today. Screaming at him to go home, "I am her mommy.....LEAVEEEE". Now he hasn't been around her often so I understand the stranger danger, acting up, not knowing what to do. But it was a bad enough tantrum to make really question what to do.

I have two options now to consider for our futures.
One: I hold my ground that this is mommy's life and he is going to be around. Risking that she will be emotionally confused and angry at me.
Or two: I only see my boyfriend when I don't have her. Risking me giving her too much power over our lives and me not ever being able to have one.

Opportunity costs. As a single parent, the weight on my shoulders of every decision I make being crucial to who she becomes is terrifying. As I still contemplate between the two options, I kind of wish I could dream about the outcomes of each.

Let me know what you would do or have done.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Dear Friend "Stuck" in a relationship and D/Won't leave

I think we’ve all either been there or know someone who has been in a bad relationship for way too long. And as the best friend you always have to be the shoulder to cry on, there to listen, to give advice only for it to go in one ear and out the other, and to see them make-up within a week. Hearing repeatedly the, “I swear it’s REALLY, REALLY over this time. I can’t keep living my life like this.”
You know it’s not really, but still you have to be there for them since- that’s your friend.
Well to the friend that keeps doing this,
It gets old. Not right away, but after years. It gets old seeing the person you love continuing to make terrible decisions. To see you put up with being treated less than what you deserve, because for some reason you feel you can’t do better. To hear your fears of being alone forever, when you haven’t even tried to be single. As your friend it is terrible seeing you spend YEARS held back in life. Changing, only for the worst. Being sad or angry majority of the time, and when you do call, it’s only to complain about how miserable you are in your relationship.  You choose this person who is “making you go crazy”, over everything and everybody else. Even after everything they’ve put you through, you will still defend them over your family, your friends. This friendship has become one-sided.
I want you back. Not even as a friend, but to see you back to who you were; happy, and to accomplish all the goals you once had. Not to waste the best years of your life and later say, I never got to experience life. I want you to be happy with yourself rather than relying on your happiness on your relationship status. If it was true love you wouldn’t feel awful 90% of the time.
“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
-Albert Einstein
Not only have I been the best friend, but I have been on the opposite end. 6 years long. I lost a lot of my friends and could never make any new ones because of my dysfunctional relationship. I understand when you say it’s really, really over this time, because your not just telling me to be there, you want to convince yourself.
I could never better myself when I was in that relationship because I was always concerned on why I couldn’t make my significant other love me, why I couldn’t make the relationship work, what was wrong with me. I realized though it wasn’t me, just like it is never you. You can’t make somebody love you, especially if you don’t love yourself enough to have a chance at happiness. You know you’re miserable now and will always be miserable if you stay. Being alone will hurt, but not as much as having someone repeatedly hurt you in your relationship and you know it’s going to happen.
As the friend whose been there for every, “break-up.”  I want to still be there, but to be honest I’ve stopped caring the 3rd year in, when you call about the same issues and I tell you the same thing and you never do anything different. I can’t tell you to leave, and be the bad guy when you both are good. And now I am the friend your significant other hates because I agree with you when you say they are being a dick. Or I go out with you when you say you need a girls night on the town because your single for one night and really need me.
So with knowing love, friendship, and any relationship is a 2 way street-I have to leave this friendship for my sanity. It truly hurts seeing you like this and I can’t continue watching someone I love continue to go downhill and nothing I say or do help.
I hope one day you REALLY, REALLY are done. That you stop living your life like this because you realize your worth. I hope you understand later on and that day I will be waiting to truly show you, you will be okay.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

A Piece of the Pie

My daughter asked me, “Mommy, what does it mean to love, what does I miss you mean?” We’ve been reciprocating I love you's for 4 years now and for the first time, she asked what that really means.

On the spot I answered, “It means caring about someone so much you never want anything bad to happen to them. You care about them and want to show them, like I rub your back every night and you've wiped my tears before. You don’t want to see them hurt.”

I repeated this answer now for 2 weeks wondering if I am explaining it right. The amount of time I’ve been at home, quitting my 100k a year job.

I didn’t want to quit this job. One of my faults is I always based my being on my level of success, how much money I made. It was instilled in me before that I was a stereotype because I had a child at 19 years old. “Teen mom, college dropout, never going to succeed.”

I wanted to prove everyone wrong, and I did. 23 years old making 100k a year with no degree. 40 year old women at the same job hating me. Telling me, “Apparently I didn’t need to get myself in debt or an education to be here.”

I started to feel that I didn’t deserve what i got.

But in a even bigger picture, I realized you can never have your cake and eat it too. I believed I was doing this job, for Kira. To show that her mom worked her ass off with all odds against me. I was so blinded by this idea, I realized I wasn’t actually changing her life now in the ways that mattered, because I wasn’t there enough.

I came back home from work to her dad telling me things I can’t fully share right now, but it wasn’t my choice to leave at this point. I was given an ultimatum.

But it was the biggest ultimatum of my life. Everything I’ve worked so hard for, or my daughter.

I quit one days notice to my work the next day.

Got a lawyer, and here I am. Back at square one, the person I was hiding from all along. Poor. For 3 years now I made amazing money, and that was where I gained my confidence. Now, who am I?

When I didn’t have my daughter and she was with her dad when I got back, I had to face reality….What if I don’t get full custody? I gave up absolutely everything.

But when I did have her, I realized what I am fighting for. She never wanted to learn with me earlier, but I realize it’s because I didn’t have the time to really work with her. Me and her since I have been home have done so many different learning activities, and I see her getting excited. As a parent, that is what pure happiness is. Seeing your child grow.

Someone told me recently, “I am not raising children. I am raising adults.” and that stuck to me. I want to give my daughter every opportunity I can for HER to be successful.

I think majority of this population can say they had a fucked up childhood. Whether their parents were divorced, or they saw their parents in a loveless relationship, alcohol, drugs… whatever that may be. But I learned from that and I want to minimize that for Kira.

Coming back home has been one of the most humbling, crazily annoying experiences of my life, because as I am trying to focus on rebuilding my life and raising my daughter...but I am being pulled in a million more directions.

I feel like I have to not only be the best mother, but also daughter, friend, aunt, and sister. I am being pulled in all of these different directions when I am already broken. When do I stop trying to help? With losing who I thought I was, the only thing I know about me is I feel the need to always help those I care about.

So when my 4 year old daughter asks me, like she does everyday, “What does love mean?”

Where do I include the part you also have to love yourself?